“Players can only leave when they die” confirms Marino’s sporting director

Marino football club have shocked the nation by announcing that their players will never be allowed to leave the club unless they “die”. The statement in full read, “Marino says players can only leave when they die. Down with Bosman!”. The Legoland Times believes that the statement was personally written by club president King Edward and so underlines the seriousness of the situation.

According to the Lego News newspaper, the “angry tantrum” was prompted following an attempt by Lazio to prize away the Seasider’s star forward Enrico Fantini. Lazio had offered around £4m for the player who is currently the top goal scorer in the Serie A with 12 goals. But it now seems that Fantini will be going nowhere fast.

The legality of Marino’s announcement is expected to be resolved today as the Legoland Football Association hold an emergency press conference. Although slavery is legal in the Legoland Republic after Emperor David’s December 2006 decree, it is not believed to cover football players in one of the world’s top football leagues. However, sports economic journalist Megan Bonus of the Financial Times commented that Marino “may have the power” to block player exits “assuming that they have no players with relegation or big club release clauses”.

Mrs Bonus said that Marino are unlikely to have any players with big club release clauses but some may have relegation release clauses incorporated into their contracts which would allow them to leave the side for free should the club be demoted to Serie B. Currently lying in 10th place the club appear safe for this season at least and recorded a hugely impressive 1-0 victory over champions Legoland FC in their last game.

Meanwhile, fans of the Seasiders have expressed some concern that the wording of the statement may affect player morale. Nonetheless the Marino supporters club Ginzburg Power welcomed the decision not to sell marksman Enrico Fantini. “We want to build the side not knock it down” a spokesman for GP said.

“Yet we would hope that under the guidance of King Edward we would sell off some crap players to raise funds to bring in some good ones. We do not want to rely on the LFA’s CPP [Compulsory Player Purchase] when it comes to buying new players. The CPP was brought in by the LFA in 2002 to ensure that all football clubs have the minimum number of players in their playing squad and uses club funds to buy players if the club itself refuses or is unable itself to delve into the transfer market.