Mario Balotelli had the appearance of an ominous thunder-bearing cloud as he strutted into the Legoland FC press conference. Astraphobia suffering minifigs had done well to stay away for the new found hardfig of Lego football was to put on a show of extreme scowling punctuated with sporadic bolts of anger, all of which could land the mohawked nigfig in hot water with football’s authorities.
Whether this was in part a publicity stunt remains to be seen. Balotelli’s agent, Maxum ‘Dodgy’ Goldberg, explained to gathered reporters that the press conference had been arranged in haste to expose, “the harrowing tales of mistreatment” his client experienced at “torture camps” run by Serie A outfit Inter Balen.
He announced that the full account of the abuse will be documented in-depth in Balotelli’s new autobiography, ‘Why always me? A story of one fig’s difficult life’, but the timing of the revelations was in no way linked to the book’s launch. This was, according to Goldberry, “just one of those funny coincidences life throws up”. The now much anticipated book will hit the shelves on Monday.
Confined to the bench for the majority of the season, Balotelli netted just a single goal, down from 8 in the previous campaign. Nonetheless the minifig secured a lucrative move to Legoland FC in June after Inter accepted a £15m transfer bid. Balotelli explained the reason he quit the Serpents. “At Inter, they neglected me and placed me on the bench with Patrick Monny-Bille. I’m sure they did it on purpose ‘cos the money they was giving me was nothin’. 2000 quid a week was cruelty, you know, I’m on 20 now and I get some well-good bonuses if we’re popped n’ go down.”
Delving deeper into the torture claims, Balotelli accused his former employers and Inter Balen owner, Alan McManus, of “force-feeding me pasta”. “They’d do it everyday without fail”, he said, adding “the rest of the menu was even worse”. On the training sessions, he had plenty to say. “I was harassed constantly by the trainers, told to run, forced to chase a ball. All for what? All for McManus and his cruelty love. It was a torture camp. If you wanna hear more, buy the book.”
Reacting to the claims, McManus issued a statement denying having engaged in torturing Balotelli. He did not rule out the practice completely, however, a point of concern noted by many observers and no-doubt prospective transfer targets.
“Mario Balotelli hardly ever turned up to training so when we got an offer to sell him we jumped at the chance. In regards to accusations of torture, well, it wasn’t at our training because he wasn’t there, maybe he imagined this while he was high on drugs or something. I am deeply disappointed with these accusations and all I can say is ‘good riddance'”.
Looking forward, Balotelli said he “can’t wait” to meet Inter Balen in next season’s Serie A season. “I’ll score against them. I’m a free fig now and they should be scared”.